Right now, I'm only looking thru a peephole at life. I can only see a very small part of God's plan for Leah. I can only see the immediate frustration and challenges. I want to be able to see thru a telescope or binoculars and see the future. I want to see that hard work now will pay off later for her. But I can't. I have to trust God that he will lead us thru with just a peephole and a tiny little flashlight illuminating only moment to moment. This is the way we really should always live - in the moment - since that is all we really have anyway. But, when times are hard, we long for the future. I want to learn from the moment, I want to learn from the pain even when I don't think I can take it anymore.
I stopped blogging last year because of pain and changes that entered my life. Some of them were good changes -- a new church! and new friends! Some were hard changes - a move, moving away from sweet friends, but that is life - CHANGE!
We received a devastating diagnosis for our sweet daughter this year -- she has been diagnosed with bi-polar disease, ADHD, and anxiety. She was 5 when she was diagnosed. Five years old and facing very hard and very difficult things. Things I would take from her in a moment if I could. Lance and I have mourned deeply for her and for us. Mourned for the things that aren't and that may never be for her. We've cried, we've screamed, we've been frustrated. We've also tried to learn, comfort, and grow thru this experience. Some days, we've been very successful and can see much progress. And some days, like the last 2 weeks, we've done the best we can but failed miserably. But last night, I was inspired by another mother....
Nicholas is in Cub Scouts and their theme this month is compassion. A 23 year old young man who has the mental capacity of a 7 year old and his mother came and spoke to the scouts last night about their journey and I quietly wept thru the entire thing. She spoke of the heartache when they received a diagnosis that would change their lives forever, she told of the grieving, the praying, the drs visits and then she spoke of all the blessings that have come into their life because of the journey they are on. Her son is going to the Special Olympics this summer in Greece as a member of the softball team. Her boy who wasn't supposed to live past the age of 6 is now an employee at HEB and living alone in his own apartment and more than anything she said is that her son is the happiest person she knows. Her love and attitude spoke volumes to me. She gave me hope on a day when I really had little left.
We are only beginning our journey -- I feel like we are really still in the mourning phase, but someday, I want to be what that mother was to me last night. I want to inspire and give hope to someone else who needs it.